If I Had Polyjuice Potion
by Saturn6
Summary: Its back, and totally edited! My original character has a mischevious streak, and makes a polyjuice potion. Hilarity ensues.


If I had Polyjuice potion.

Note: don't ask me where I got this idea…

Disclaimer: Blah I don't own this blah. Don't sue me blah. Not making money off of it blah…

Warning: PG13. DO NOT BE DRINKING LIQUIDS WHEN READING THIS FIC! Warning for some (very, very brief) slash and innuendo. Another warning, may cause uncontrollable fits of laughter. This is also a highly improbable fic so don't worry if any characters, timelines, or mannerisms that shouldn't be there are there. Don't ask me why Sirius is safe open in Hogwarts and not elsewhere.

I slammed the door behind me and strode two steps to the table in front of me, panting hard.

Good thing Snape isn't here.

That little detail was something I had to be absolutely sure of. As it turned out there was a Hogsmeade trip this weekend and Snape was required to be there. The Infamous Trio had stayed, as did Draco, Boulder 1, and Boulder 2. Sirius Black, although a liability, was residing in Hogwarts, and obviously could not go. The timing was perfect.

I took the cauldron from the cupboard in the corner and set it on the table. It had formed a soft, grey crust over the thick liquid by now. I drew the hairs from my pocket. The hairs were medium length and a shiny black. They were acquired with many a daring attempt at the back of Snape's head with scissors. He'd have that bald patch for a while.

Holding my breath, I dropped them in.

The mixture started to foam, nearly spilling out of the cauldron. A low pitched whine came from its depths, then the frothing stopped and slowly disintegrated. I looked at what was left and was amazed.

It had become a velvety smooth liquid. Its colour, forest green, darkened to black near the bottom. When I shook it chips of silver and ruby floated to the surface. Vestiges of the foam still clung to the edges of the cauldron and hissed as I shook it.

I smiled. _Severus, shaken, not stirred._

I ladled some into a cup, then walked to the mirror set up on the opposite corner of the room. I gulped the mixture down. It was almost unbearably bitter, but it had an underlying sweetness that made it charming.

At first nothing happened. I studied the mirror more closely, hoping that I hadn't made a mistake but my skin started to burn, interrupting my note comparing. My red hair darkened like a shadow into a greasy black mop that just reached my shoulders. My legs, though numbed, grew uncomfortable as I stretched from 6'1" into 6'5". Finally, with an odd melting sensation all over my body, my face rearranged itself, forming into a hooked nose and sallow skin.

I smiled, which looked strange on the normally scowling Potions Master. I wished he would smile more often. It made him look so much more handsome… I snapped out of that thought quickly and made my way to the closet. I stopped short and broke into a fit of giggles.

This could potentially be embarrassing.

I resolved to not look down when dressing as much as I could, but that resolve was broken quickly. I rose my eyebrow and smiled.

Congrats big boy.

Draco wasn't hard to find. As I stepped down the main stairwell, ignoring everyone's stares, I heard Draco's drawling voice telling off Harry and Company.

Harry saw me first, and his friends followed. The stared slack jawed as Draco rambled on, his back to me. Crabbe and Goyle were threateningly punching their fists into their hands.

"… And you mudblood, if you're so--" He trailed off for a moment. "What are you looking at?"

Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle turned around and their eyes widened with disbelief as they took me in fully.

A week of planning had produced the most unlikely outfit that Snape could ever wear. A pink Hawaiian shirt two sizes too small stretched tightly over Severus' chest, met by garishly tie-dyed daisy dukes. My hair hung limp on one side with the other brought up in a pigtail. Lipstick was scrawled over my face as if I had been the victim of a demented cosmetologist. The whole ensemble was finished by a rainbow feather boa and a pair of clown shoes that stretched far past where any normal foot should.

No one seemed able to speak.

"Draco, Crabbe, Goyle. You will all meet me in detention tomorrow night. You will continue to come until I have judged the punishment over."

I looked at Draco who was looking more indignant by the minute.

"Quidditch responsibilities are revoked until further notice. Understood?"

With the Trio unsuccessfully trying to cover up their laughter behind him, Draco nodded. He looked like he was about to explode in anger. While he didn't dare brush into me on the way out, he shoved past the other students and knocked a few down. Loud guffaws started coming from the Trio but they quieted when I looked at them.

"Go ahead and laugh. It was funny!"

They complied, but nervously. I looked at Harry.

"Fifty points…"

He flinched.

"To Gryffindor."

Harry's jaw made an audible _bang! _as I walked away.

It was midday and the sun streamed through the Great Hall's enchanted ceiling. The tables were crowded with students who were waiting for lunch. The Great Hall fell silent as they all caught sight of me, but they were not my concern. The man sitting at the staff table was.

Noticing the silence, Sirius Black looked up from the newspaper he was reading. He sat up straight and his eyes grew round as he saw me walking up to him. When I finally reached the table, I sat on it, struck a seductive pose, and leaned in close.

I pitched my voice deep and silky. "How long have we known each other?"

"Twe- Twenty-one years?" He stammered.

"Right." I said nonchalantly. I started playing with Sirius' robe collar. He stared at my hands as if they were two particularly disgusting Blast-Ended Skrewts.

"And did you know that all that time I've wanted to tell you something so badly it nearly ripped my soul apart?" I started toying with his robe clasp and he grabbed my hand.

"Stop that." He said breathlessly.

I made my face into a pout.

"Don't you want to hear what I have to say?"

Sirius looked torn between nodding and running far away. Before he could make up his mind I pulled him closer, so that my lips just barely touched his ear.

"I love you." I whispered.

I pushed him back into his chair and leaned back to appreciate the effect.

Sirius had turned Weasely family red. His mouth opened and closed. He gave the unflattering impression of a red goldfish that had jumped from it's aquarium.

I pretended to look hurt at his reaction.

"Well? Do you love me back?" I started playing with his robe clasp and he grabbed my hand again. Instead of pushing it away, he brought it to his lips in a gentle kiss.

"Yes." He whispered. Emboldened by his own daring he repeated himself, louder this time. He started talking and got louder by the minute, catching the attention of the students again.

"I've loved you since seventh year! I couldn't wait to see you in potions, how you worked with such precision, how your hands moved so well, how good you looked, how much I wanted to get you out of your ro-"

I stopped him by putting my finger to his lips. He kissed it gently. As everyone in the Great Hall looked on, he pulled me down and locked his lips with mine in a sensuous--

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?!"

Sirius and I stopped kissing and looked up in horror. The original Severus Snape stood three feet away from us with a look that would send a Dementor fleeing for it's life. Sirius looked stricken. And the potion, having suddenly gained a bad sense of timing, turned me back. Though it should have been impossible, Severus' scowl deepened.

"Go to the Common Room."

I slunk away, tail between my legs.

"Oh, and Christine?"

I turned around. Severus was looking deep into Sirius' eyes.

"Do you call that a kiss?"

Closing the distance between him and Sirius, he clutched his head and kissed him.


End file.
